When I found out I was pregnant I was sitting in an examination room at the gynecologist, wearing nothing but a paper gown that gapes open in the front. Cute, right?.I was actually at the gynecologist because I was late and I wasn't feeling very well so OBVIOUSLY I HAVE CANCER. Sounds extreme but I had taken an at home pregnancy test (the expensive kind) and had gotten a negative result. TWICE. So cancer, right?

 My nurse basically told me I was crazy and that sometimes people are just late and that I would probably get my period that night. They ran some tests just to ease my mind (and also probably to get some money out of me). Five minutes after I peed in a cup and put it in the secret pee test door with other random cups of pee in the bathroom, the nurse came back in and without even looking at me said, "Welp, you're pregnant."

 I actually asked the nurse if she was kidding. This apparently isn't something she hears often because she looked at me like I had two heads and said "I would never tell you you're pregnant if you weren't." Right. I mean, that would be a really sick joke no matter how you look at it. After having the actual person who physically dipped the stick confirm it for me herself AND forcing them to test the pee again, she said "you're pregnant" for a second time. I whispered to myself "I am pregnant".

Then I did something else that I guess doesn't happen often and I started hysterically bawling. I didn't even feel it come on, the waterworks just started flowing. While the nurse, who had prior to this been a little bit cold, rubbed my back and assured me everything was going to be okay, I was screaming to myself in my head "HOLY SHIT. WHAT NOW?" In that second, I was a 16 year old high school teenager who had sex behind the bleachers with her pimple faced high school boyfriend and got knocked up. "How am I going to tell my mom?" Deep breaths.

I felt bad because the nurse seemed a little panicked. "Um, we usually send the mothers out for blood testing but I think because this is such a shock for you, we'll just take your blood right here." I just shook my head for fear of completely breaking down if I dare speak. I didn't speak the rest of the appointment.

 When I was getting ready to leave, I did what any normal, sane person does and I sent a text to my twin sister Emily that simply read, "I am pregnant :(" I think in the next 2 minutes Emily called me about 5 times and sent me 10 text messages. "JULIANNA ANSWER YOUR PHONE!" I called Emily back as I was walking to my car and all the thoughts that were spinning around in my head disappeared and I said "Yup, totally pregnant." "OKAY I'M ON MY WAY" I heard the ding of her car as she actually was, at that very second, running to her car to come see me.

When Emily arrived, she gave me the biggest hug. At this point, I had cried so much that I was out of tears and talking to Emily made me feel so much better. She was SO EXCITED. A weird reaction to me because I didn't think I was allowed to feel excited. She made it feel possible. We started joking and laughing and planning. I felt like I could breathe again.

When Jeff got home, I took him into a separate room, sat him down, and said "I'm pregnant". Without missing a beat he took my hand and said "Okay, what's next? What are we doing?" The reaction shocked me a little but it was better than a couple other scenarios I had prepared myself for. "Well, I have some time to think about it and I'll get the official confirmation tomorrow from the blood test." He held my hand, he kissed me, and I fell in love with him all over again.

The rest of the night was like any other except I couldn't stop thinking about my tadpole baby swimming in my tummy (completely medical description of what was happening).

My coworker was 8 weeks pregnant so she was still keeping it a secret. When I told her my fears of maybe being pregnant a couple days prior (before my at home pregnancy test) she told me that she was pregnant but "shhh". So, she was the first person at work to know I was pregnant. I knew that you're not "supposed" to tell people you're pregnant so early on and I was scared but having her to go through this pregnancy with was really comforting. That and I couldn't help but think that there was a small chance my blood test would come back negative. NOPE. My nurse called me that morning and said, "You are pregnant, my dear. About 6 weeks. Give me a call when you have had some time to think about it and we will help you with whatever next step you choose to take."

Click. Done. I'm pregnant. There's no real take backsies when you're pregnant and no one can make decisions but you. It's all on you. You better make the right decision. I sat in the bathroom at work for about 30 minutes and just went through every scenario. It ended how I thought. I'm having this baby. I have to.

Two days felt like two years. I had known FOREVER and I just wanted to tell the people closest to me. So, I called my oldest sister, Ashlie. She was at dinner with her two small children and we small talked for a minute. I started to get more and more nervous and I knew that if I didn't say it soon I would pass out so I said, "I have some news. Some shocking but...good news. I'm pregnant." The next 30 seconds were the sounds of incoherent screams that were so high pitched, I think only dogs could hear them. I broke into tears and laughter. THIS is the reaction I had always dreamed of when I told my family that I was pregnant. I told the rest of my family and the phone calls came rolling in all night. This person on the phone with this person who then called me but had to hang up because this person was calling them. Initial reactions varied but by the end of the evening, everyone was so supportive. Now, I could be excited.

I am now 12 weeks pregnant and these past three months have been the hardest, scariest, most exciting of my life. In about 6 months, I will have a baby, a child, a living being that depends on me for survival for the rest of it's life. Every day is a new experience and I am adjusting to the new, more grown up, "less fun" version of myself that really just wants to have a board game night. This is not what I had planned but now I have new plans.